HOW TO DEEP FRY A TURKEY AND IMPROVE MY WIFE'S PRAYER LIFE

Greetings and Gobble Gobble. It is the week before Thanksgiving... that time of giving thanks...and the time of repenting and asking for forgiveness for willingly indulging in the sin of gluttony.

Over the past few years...I have been practicing the ART OF DEEP FRYING TURKEY. Many people wonder...how can I deep fry a turkey? Well here is a little primer on how to deep fry a turkey...and how to improve your wife's prayer life.

I have learned from my mistake (singular)...when I had a minor grass fire under the pot...that...as most legends...turned into a roaring inferno that engulfed the community of Rockvale Tennesse.

Many moons ago...I filled my pot with fresh peanut oil...and I deemed it necessary that I needed a little more oil to cover the bird. Brenda...my lovely wife of 37 year (not counting the four years that we dated)...came out side and said..."Rodney...don't add any more oil...that is plenty." She then went outside. In the meanwhile my testosterone kicked in and I said to myself..."Self...what does a woman know about deep frying turkey's...so I added more oil (without telling Brenda). I heated up the oil to around 375 degrees (knowing that the bird will drop the temperature to a desired 325 degrees). As I dropped the bird (injected with Cajun seasonings and rubbed down with a dry rub) into the boiling cauldron...and all was well...until...the oil began to overflow (because there was to much oil in the pot). As the oil overflowed...it touched the flame....with the cause and effect of a small grass fire ensuing. Also, the hose to the propane tank caught on fire...which I easily put out. NOTE: It did not burn all the way through but did melt...resulting in having to get another cooker from my friend Doug Steckbeck).

As I was turned off the gas...and took the pan that I was going to put the turkey in...and beat out the small...minuscule grass fire...I heard a voice from behind me, saying, "Rodney,
whatcha doin'?" It was the head of security at Southern Hills...my friend Chris Cotton...with his daughter who had just arrived.

NOTE: Before I got back to Southern Hills the following Monday...word had spread like WILDFIRE...that I burned down Rockvale...with full fire engine coming out. True...a fire engine did come by my house...but it was on the way to another fire down the road. There were pictures of me standing in front of a raging forest fire posted around the hospital...a CD was waiting for me with songs that mentioned the word fire...and someone rewrote Johnny Cash's RING OF FIRE...to tell the story of the Fried Turkey Fire of Rockvale.

As you can tell from the picture of Brenda...Alison Payne and Garratt Payne...Brenda's prayer life had greatly improved as she watched the next year's dipping of the bird...was taking place. Apparently her prayers were answered...since there have been no more fires since that one, small, minute incident. NOTE: Not picture is my turkey frying buddy...Chip "El Presidente" Payne.

Now...we make and take all precautions to insure now flaming grass. As you can see...we wear the proper fireman's gear (provided by Derek Rhodes...aka...The British Bulldog). I also wrapped the propane hose with foil...to retard potential overflow...and of course...a fire extinguisher is handy.

I also have trained my son in the Art of SAFE Deep Frying Turkey. As the Scriptures tell us...Train up a child in the way he should go and he will not depart from it...especially in the ways of the turkey fryer.

Now...here is the proper way to deep fry a turkey. (1) Inject the bird with desired seasonings (2) Pour fresh peanut oil into the pot (3) LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE (4) Heat the oil to 375 degrees (5) Put on all protective clothing...or at least...fire resistant gloves (6) Have all equipment ready for any emergency (7) slowly baptizo...dip the bird SLOWLY into the boiling cauldron. (8) unhook gently and place lid on pot.(9) Cook the bird for 3 minutes per pound (10) Do not leave the pot unattended (11) Monitor heat control and adjust accordingly (11) When time is up...look in pot...if the bird with legs sticking up is floating...it is time to pull the bird out (12) take the Golden Bird into the kitchen...let people ooh and aah...and begin to pick and eat before it is cut. (13) Serve your guest and let them ooh and aah about how delicious, moist, and favorable is the turkey tastes.

Well...there you have it. You have deep fried the turkey... you have bonded with your son...your wife's prayer life has improved...the house has not burned down...the grass is not singed...your friends have been satisfied...and no wild, malicious stories have been spread about you burning down the world.

THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT HOW TO DEEP FRY A TURKEY AND IMPROVE YOUR WIFE'S PRAYER LIFE HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY:

THE DEEP FRIED TURKEY ASSOCIATION (Rockvale Chapter)...and THE RUMINATOR SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS...MEETING EVERY SUNDAY AT SMYRNA ASSEMBLY (S.A.) at 9:00 A.M. Sunday Mornings in RUMINATOR CENTRAL (aka The Fellowship Hall).

Final thoughts...finally...no really...finally.

The only thing that would be better than deep fried turkey would be deep fried SPAM...a delightful blend of spices and ham. (No flavor injection necessary)

Love and Deep Fried Kisses
Rodney "Burning Lips" Boyd